Chapter 14: Repeat

As I go through my Mom’s memo books that she recorded this journey in, my mind is
back at UNC hospital. When I think back to January of 2019, it’s a blur of Doctors rounding, telling us what my white blood cell count was, pre-op, going under anesthesia, waking up from anesthesia, throwing up, Physical and Occupational therapy, repeat.

I had been hospitalized for over two months at this point and was struggling to see a
light at the end of the tunnel. I finally RSVP’d no to one of my best friend’s weddings
that was planned for the end of February, although I’m sure she already knew it was
going to be a no go for me. That was a hard conversation because as understanding as
this friend is, I was finally admitting to myself that my life was on pause and I just
needed to focus on the present.

February 1st was surgery #26 and I was the first case of the day. It wasn’t even 7AM
and I was dealing with another dramatic episode in my failing relationship. This
argument began because I wasn’t taking his advice about how to fix my wound vac over that of my nurses and my mom. At the time, I was so frustrated that I couldn’t even articulate a constructive response. I went into that surgery having just argued with the person I was dating. Unfortunately, this was not the first time. The stress that came along with this “rough patch” in my relationship is something that I should have been more open about at the time. As I read my Mom’s notes, I am mad at myself for not taking more control over what I allowed in my hospital room. When someone is sick, the best thing to do is to just be there for them and try as hard as you can to stay positive even if the situation is a nightmare.

Since we were 2 weeks away from the big surgery, the hard conversations kept coming.
I had been in the MPCU since December and the thought of leaving the unit was extremely upsetting. The nurses tried to reassure me that the Surgical ICU had great nurses and I had nothing worry about. They were honest with me and told me it was an older unit with less natural light and smaller rooms, and I immediately pictured a dungeon. Like I’ve said before, I became very attached to the people taking care of me and it was extremely emotional to leave units, especially the MPCU, since that is where I spent the most time. The plan was to stay in the MPCU right up until the morning of the flap surgery on February 14th. After surgery, I was going to be sedated for a few days. I started to dread that day and wished time would slow down.

Back in November of 2018 when I had the emergency lobectomy, I didn’t know I was going to have to have a major surgery, let alone have any time to think about it. I was now laying in a hospital bed with a huge wound, anticipating a surgery that would take a whole day, and wasn’t even guaranteed to succeed. The thought of this, along with waking up in a unit I had never been in after being sedated for multiple days was taking a toll on me.

The silver lining during this time was the conversation about skin regeneration. My
Doctor knew a rep that was working for a company called PolarityTE. The plan was to
try this product instead of skin grafts. It was exciting to learn I had another option besides grafts, but also scary to think about, since skin regeneration is so new and my wound was so big. I learned that there had been many success stories with burn patients who used this product, so that gave me a little hope, but there still was no guarantee it would work for me.

February 8th was the day of my 27th wound vac change. My case was delayed so my
Doctor came in my room to talk to me about the surgery that was happening in less than a week. He decided it was time for me to see a picture of the wound so I could better understand why he needed to do the surgery. The image I saw that day is burned into my memory forever. I was in total shock and couldn’t believe my eyes. It looked like a shark took a bite out of my left side and left nothing but the ribs. The wound started under my left breast and ended toward the middle of my back. When I would hear them talking about my wound, I pictured something big and bloody, but I didn’t picture exposed ribs with skin and muscle tissue nowhere to be found. By seeing that picture I finally realized why I had been in the hospital for 3 months and why I was constantly going to the OR. I also realized it was a miracle that I was still alive. In that moment, I felt as if my old life was gone forever.